OMG - I STINK

This gastro illness has left me with one glaring olfactory certainty:

I STINK!

It's Alive

Yes, I'm alive.

No, my health assessment did not drive me mad.
Yes, I'll start blogging more.
Yes, I've been preoccupied with a different activity.
No, I'm not ready to focus on my weight.
Yes, I should be because man I feel fat.
No, I have not started smoking again.
Yes, I'm on my way toward 2 months.
but, I've also been under the weather for the past few days so I'm not feeling terribly motivated. Especially because you don't need to know those details.

Health Assessment

Yesterday I did my work related health assessment. By participating, you can get a discount on your premium increase in the following year.

Age: 43 (up from last year, good thing too)
Height: 5'8" (same as last year)
Weight: 265 lbs. (up from last year)
Blood Pressure: 134/82 (similar to last year)


I got my blood drawn as well. Those vampires better say that I'm a non-smoker like they did last year. Last year I was a HUGE smoker and they said I was not. I had to fight to get them to say I was to get the lowest score possible. Needed room for improvement. Not sure how much I improved even though I quit smoking. The weight is up and the age is up. They use it all against you.


I'll keep you informed as I need to start focusing on the waist-line. ...And people thought I have been a bitch from quiting smoking... lol.

Tabula Rasa

I gots nuthin for ya today.

I'm all yawns today.

I woke up from a full night of insomnia.

Superheroes like me

Surely I don't jest, the grass felt like it was that high. But I did finish the final 75% of my yard. And I also mowed the front yards of two of my neighbors. Superheroes are like that, ya know.

Mow Mow Mow Your Lawn

or 50% of it at least.

I plan to get the rest of it tomorrow.

Excuses

If it weren't for bad luck...

Yesterday/last evening, I had wanted to mow the lawn but created plenty of obstacles not to do that work. It could definitely wait for the cool Saturday morning air.

Saturday morning cool air wasn't so cool and I woke up with neck pain. I really did! Not sure how I slept to do that. But whatever I did, I must have been in a really kinked up position because I had to have been cutting off the blood flow. My left arm was puffed up and my hand looked like it was suffering an allergic reaction. It's still a little sore (the hand) but the puffiness has gone down and the hand is back to normal.

But still, my neck is all crickey and hurts. Pain is a wonderful excuse not to mow the lawn. But I could do without the pain.

Finish Him!

Oh yeah, I'm toast!

I ran out of energy around 9am.
The machine that I am, was running on fat fumes I suppose.
Mowing the lawn was on my agenda after work.
But then I had to stay late.
Then I had to run a few errands.
Followed-up by some Solomonster time.
Running into darkness.
You don't suppose I planned it that way, do you.
Crap, now I have to get up really early on a Saturday.
The lawn really needs a cutting and it's going to be 90 degrees tomorrow.
I don't mind heat, but I do not want it in April.
Alright Dr. Flab, where are you?

Sigmund and the Sea Monsters

Oh yeah, this week just blows.

I broke out my old pair of Phat-Man pants to wear to work, just to feel comfortable.
I wasn't slightly bothered by the fact that they are OLD, a little less than casual and worn looking. They felt awesome today and my bloated whale self was able to glide its fat ass into the bucket seat at work. Damn thing has no lumbar support. It's like working, sitting in a chair, that acts like a hammock but you can't nap.


Jail. I might as well have been in jail today.
*waves some burning sage around to discern the size and scope of the real Mr. Cranky Pants that is possessing my body.

This is a stress test. I know it is. And I don't want a cigarette.

NO!

PMS

When I ran across the picture above, I just had to laugh. My first thought was that Jadielady will love this illustration of a Fat Cat-Woman. But then I thought, OMG, that's me. Okay let's not get too carried away with that thought.

This week I feel really fat - I am.
This week I feel like I have male PMS.
My emotions are out of control.
Yet, I always feel frisky and playful.

Tell me that picture doesn't give that description a fair amount credence. But just assume that Cat-Woman has a penis and no boobs. Then we're at least on shakier ground. I think I need to up my head-med a bit this weekend, just a tad.

Mr. T.

I think I pity me today.

Well for pete's sake, someone should.

Yin and Yang

I so could have let an ugly person tick me off so much to reach for a cigarette today. Luckily, I didn't have any and the nicotine symbiote couldn't take hold. Evil in all directions, trying to take me down. But I am stronger and more confident that some old punk from my home state of New York.


Man this stuff is sticky and likes to cling.

Productivity

Not so much, really.

I did my best impression of a potato.

I win!

Week #4 begins.

Not Quite Ti-GG-ER

When I get older I'm going to bounce like Tigger. Bouncey Bouncey Bouncey - BOUNCE.

This week was draining.
I'm not sure I have bounce left.
I'll give it one more try.
Why don't you join me?

Bouncey Bounce!
Weeeee - The best spot on earth.
My dream machine majik pillows.
Night Ya'll!

The Chantix Grunt

Just so you know, Chantix can and will-may turn you into a "slow-moving" human play-dough not-so-fun factory. Butt, I'm still not smoking.

Kryptonite

No cigarettes for over 2 weeks now. Yay me!

But very sneaky did enter something that is just as sinister to my health. Who cares, it's only one. No problem it's small. Not to worry, what harm can it do you if you don't do it that often? Yes folks, I have been succumbing to my own personal kryptonite every once in a while. You know it's a nefarious foe when one became two became four became eight.

Sugar in it's many forms. Bad candy. oh but such sweet carboliciousness. And it's been a dastardly enemy fogging up the impact of not getting my nicotine. So today, no-wait - tomorrow, rrrrr - maybe Friday - I'll have my last jelly bean for a while. I need to not only work out the remaining Nico-Demons, but now I need to face the CarboHydra.

I need my own Dr. Flab fone... Hey the Batman had one!
Mine will be yellow *green* yellow *green* YELLOW *Green*
***Hey, get your own blog***

Pokemon: Kabutops

This ancient member of the Pokemon family is a cross of how I feel today. I feel old and I feel like a fighter. I charged through a fair amount of work today, but I yawned and my body seemed to creek and wail as I moved. It started with not wanting to get up this morning. And it's ending with me going to bed, right now. Night night. Don't let the bed bugs bite.

Puny Human

I always feel my fattest on Mondays.

Kind of ironic that I feel puny.

Week #3 of being smoke free has begun.

What?

It's like a superhero wetdream, but I'm not sure what they are trying to tell me.

I'll have to think about this some more.
Oh, and be very glad you didn't hang with me this weekend.
The body odor was just kicking in high gear.
I sure hope it's a one-off sort of thing and not just my nose being over sensitive. I'd hate to think that THAT'S how I smell all the time and was just not aware of it. Shower's helped but only for so long. We'll see.

Australia

You spend your lazy day Saturday's your way. I'll spend mine how I see fit. I chose Hugh Jackman as my special guest for the day. Yeah, it was slovenly... but good. One of the movies I watched with Hugh was "Australia". Some blond tart is in the movie as well. While it could be classified as a chick-flick, I think there's also enough action and adventure to satisfy any man. I could have done without the one other movie reference that threads the entire film, but I suppose that is where the creativity of the movie was lacking. Oh and one more thing... g'nite Hugh.

Chunky Butt

Captain Planet's a Bitch!

I'm holding him personally responsible for global warming, or more specifically Richmond warming. His punk-ass brought near 80 degree weather to Richmond, Virginia today. We haven't had enough time to recuperate from Winter, let alone jump right into Summer temperatures. Give it a rest you blue-faced freak. I want Spring. I want to be able to slide on into breezy cool temperatures. I want sunshine, light rains and the opportunity to do yard work. I want clean up my property without having to sweat may butt off. It's your fault Planet that the weeds are overtaking my yard. It's your fault that the evil Holly bush in my front flower bed won't die. It's your fault that huge-ass tree had to be sawed out from the middle of a bush and paired down, as it tries to grow up through my concrete front porch. You're a menace Captain Planet. I just quit smoking and your acting like a closeted gay physical trainer taking all your aggressions out on the fat kid. Well I'll tell you something; it's not going to be pretty. Because sooner rather than later, this chunky butt is going to lay some muscle on your ass.

Special thanks to friend Wayne, playing the role of He-Man!

Moon Knight

Yes, today is a full moon. All day, folks were testing my every last nerve. I was really being tested today. Like Moon Knight, I just wanted to pummel everyone that deserved a knock-down. And apparently, to me, everyone was begging for a beating. The smoking issue was in the back of my mind until after work. I went and got hair cut by my friend CJ and then she and I went to a Vietnamese restaurant for dinner. We sat in the smoking section because our favorite waiter works that section. She smokes and did. We drank, and our waiter makes them rather stiff. For reformed smokers, drinking is one of the "rites of passage" testing your resolve. Later after several drinks and our meals, another friend arrived. Also a smoker.

Not to worry, true believers. I was triumphant! Excelsior!!!

Hawkman

Okay, my nose has been under attack today. I woke up and let the Solomonster out and I sniffed the cool outdoor air. YUK! Has Richmond been under siege by sewage beasts? My driver's side car window would not go up last night so I had to drive to work with it down. My luck I was behind a bunch of trucks spewing their perfume. Bleck!

Elevator jail found me and the ghosts of women's powdery floral over exaggerated and over indulged "don't I smell pretty" crap. Some dude's maple syrup laden breakfast burning in the microwave in the community kitchen was just dandy. And my personal morning favorite was torturous person that nuked up some bacon in the microwave. And they did it wonderfully well, to the point that the intoxicating aroma waifed all the way directly under my nose. mmmmm bacon.

I'm still taking my breaks with my smoking friends. That is going well but yesterday and today, the burning embers smelled like burning leaves. Well okay, that is what they are, but it didn't smell *welcoming* at all.

Took my car to a glass shop and met a nice guy that I would like to smell better. ummm I mean see again when the time to fix my window arrives. But for now he flexed his muscles and smiled, rrrrr I mean fixed my window to working okay until I get the money to have it repaired. It was so nice of him to oil me up - oh, the window linings. Even the oil had a "take me" kind of smell to it.

After I returned from lunch I needed to be in various locations throughout the building. All I smelled, and I didn't have a choice, was everyone Else's lunch. And I swear today was International Food Fare day. But a word of caution if you ever have a hyper-sensitive olfactory experience happening.

AVOID - Hold it - pinch as hard as you have too - but don't go into the men's bathroom!

Oh -- and I selected Hawkman today because of his enormous schnoz!

Cloak and Dagger

Cloak & Dagger

I had the thought today that the Lexapro/Cetalopram (drug to help keep me from slapping "them") and the Chantix (drug for smoking cessation) that I have been taking are causing a side effect. I've actually been having the thought for a while. I'm not fatigued. I'm sleepy. I'm not tired. I'm yawning and stretchy. Which made me think of two of my favorite Marvel comic Characters, both dependent upon the other. One more so dependent upon the other. Cloak, the one that is created from the "darkforce dimension" (nicotine) needs Dagger (the light) to calm his hunger. Oddly enough, they are a crime fighting duo that specializes in defeating the drug community. hmmm where are my pills?

Fighting Fire with Fire

Hell's breath was still with me today. So by lunch I could hardly stand myself. For lunch, I went and got a couple of hot dogs loaded with onions. I figured if my breath was going to be powerful, then I at least wanted a tastier excuse.

I won. mmmmmmmmm

Badder Breath

Holy Smokes!

I think as part of the lungs cleansing themselves I'm having an awful side effect. My breath tastes and smells so nasty. Brush brush brush - mint mint mint, and it doesn't seem to want to play nice.

Yes, I know, actual smokers breath is not attractive.

***Week 2***

The Brain

March was Brain Injury Awareness month. And since I quit smoking on March 29th, I think I somewhat qualify. Today, I feel like my brain is realizing the pain and withdrawal of the injury I was burdening it with. My brain feels heavy one moment and light and out of control shortly afterward. If I lay down, I quickly fall asleep. Well that's not so bad now is it.

Lung Cleansing

20 minutes after my last cigarette, my blood pressure and pulse rate drop to normal and the body temperature of my hands and feet increase to normal.

87 pulsars for one minute. That's low for me. My father (non-smoker) and I generally have fast pulse rates. Last time at the doctor's office I was 121 pulses each minute and he freaked out. So maybe the smoking was making MY pulse rate really fast. Or maybe I'm just really calm right now.

8 hours after my last smoke, the carbon monoxide levels decrease and oxygen levels in my blood increase to normal.

We'll just assume this one is accurate.

24 hours after my last cigarette, I substantially lessen my chances of having a heart attack.

Well I suppose as substantial for a fat man as they can be.

2 days after my last cigarette, I should notice that my ability to taste and smell is enhanced.

The fuzzy tongue is fading and I think that hindered the psychedelic tasting trip that I should be on. But the smelling has definitely picked up on a lot of funk around me, especially at work.

3 days later my breathing should be noticeably better because my lung capacity will be greater.

I have noticed that I'm not as snotty and my sinuses are getting devoid of oysters. There's a visual for you.

2 weeks to 3 months after quitting, my circulation should improve and my lung functioning should increase up to 30%.

I'll let my diabetic feet be the judge of that. But it is possible that my pulse rate is an indication of that.

1 month to nine months, the cilia in my lungs will regenerate, allowing my body to clean my lungs and reduce infection.

Not only that, ...those little cilia should be flagellating.

Side Effect

Day 5 of being smoke free went well.
Side effects of Chantix, not so well.

Everything Burns

Anastacia is 'smokin', and the girl's got a set of lungs. I love her music. You might consider exposing your ears to her. But I'm actually writing about my nose today. Everywhere I went, I swear I smelled something burning. And that just wasn't the case. But, what is the case, is how many people at work that do smoke and how the smell permeates everything. I even smelled myself to see if it was coming from me. hmmm not so much. Four days into having quit and the nose... does know. I stopped by the desk of a woman I work with and chatted her up a bit to recognize her for her accomplishments over the past few years. I smelled smoke. She doesn't smoke. I've never known her to smoke. Surely I'm wrong. The hell I was. She's a closet smoker. I didn't out her, but I know her dirty little secret and if it got out it would ruin her pristine little image. I'm gaining new super powers. Watch out Hulk, I'm comin' for ya!!

Fuzzy Tongue

Aaaah

pendt

da

dae

mid

Futhy

Tung

Translation: I spent the day with fuzzy tongue.

Having quit smoking before, I am familiar with this sensation. Other people don't know what I'm talking about. Most other people don't smoke Menthol cigarettes. I have been a menthol smoker since college. That's more than 20 years now. I used to smoke Marlboro Reds, but migrated over to Menthol because everyone was bumming' smokes. That did the trick. No one wanted to smoke menthol. Yuk, no way. Heck I enjoyed the cool ashy breeze billowing down my throat. Who the hell knows what it was doing to my tongue to make it feel fuzzy, possibly numb. It's like, or actually is, my tongue going through withdrawal. It's actually funny, odd, intriguing sensation. It also sucks that it's a reminder of what my tongue wants. I can think of better things though.

DreamScape Battle

Dr. Flab, having retreated to his pyramid fortress for physical recuperation drifted into a deep deep sleep. Transcending dimension unknown, images of his battle surface before him. Nick O'Tine's ember army was marching and closing around Flab. This could not be - Flab was confident that he defeated the army and sensed another diabolical force at work. A presence. Yes, a presence he was all too familiar with. It was *The Swirl*.

The Swirl is pure evil, drawing power from all weaknesses and using that synergistic energy to attack its foe's mind. Flab had battled the Swirl previously on numerous occasions and has won each battle weakening the Swirl each time. But having watched Flab's battle with Nick O'Tine, The Swirl determined now was the time for a new attack. At the moment the battle ended, The Swirl entered Flab's mind when his defenses were down.

To defeat The Swirl, it has taken a divide an conquer approach. Dr. Flab begins with separating himself into the two halves of his mind. As usual, to defeat The Swirl, time and patience is key. This battle will not end soon.

Embers Be Gone!!

Dr. Flab began his epic battle with the dreaded Nick O'tine during last nights episode of Saturday Night Live. With a burning cigarette in between his lips he grabbed the last remaining pack in his house. There were eight sticks still remaining. Staring at him like pawns in a chess game with the Queen neatly positioned and smoking, as if to say "Check Mate". With his Chantix armor and every bit of willpower within; Flab attacked the eight pawns first and quickly broke them at their filtered ends and crushed them at the center core. But the burning Queen still had half her energy and conjured her magic to the bitter end. But Flab would not be defeated and he grabbed the Queen by her butt and crushed her head into the metal cauldron of ash. The Queen was defeated. And Flab would need to rest from his battle and entered into a mystical coma of healing and recuperation.

Dr. Flab is well and will soon complete one day in celebration of his defeat of Nick O'Tine and his dreaded death army.

Reasons to Quit Smoking

1. yadda yadda yadda - all the health reasons.
2. Saving money.
3. Wrinkles.
4. The stink.
5. The dust.
6. Smoking to stay thin. Which is a LIE.
7. Healthier nails.
8. Sweeter breath.
9. Self Confidence.

And one the best reasons, is in consideration of my dog. I admit I have given much thought to the second hand smoke impact on him. Oh I've been a bad daddy.

Smoking Cessation: Chantix

Most of my friends know I am an avid smoker. I enjoy it. I love to smoke actually. My friends also know that I quit smoking 2 years ago for a total of 6 months. But I let the emotional and psychological damage of friendships going up in smoke, lead me back to the wonder sticks of nicotine nirvana. Back then I elected to use Chantix, a then-new smoking cessation drug by Pfizer. Holy hell, I did as instructed and *poof* no desire to smoke. I was drug induced cold turkey quiting. I figured I'd give it a go again. OH, not so easy the second time around. I tried quiting about four weeks ago and I was the crankiest 43 year old you never wanted to meet. So I have chosen to take things slower and continue on the path of the 12 week program. You ease into the program with one pill a day for 5 days. Then you continue on a 2 pill a day; one morning and one evening. You are encouraged to exhaust all of the medication, the entire 12 weeks. Your target quit date is after week #1. Well, that hasn't been working for me, so I've been biding my time...

What are you looking at?

WHAT??
I plan to quit... Really I do!!

Dr. Flab

Dr. Flab is a blend of two characters from two universes. Dr. Fate from the DC Comic and The Blob from the Marvel Comic Universes. The former is a good guy, the later is the bad guy. Suffice it to say that Dr. Fate will represent the intellectual well meaning portion of my psyche in combat with my inner and outer Blob. I plan to use this extension of myself to focus the Dr. Fate to proactively impact the Blob nature. I'll post about my health, goals, challenges, and topics of interest. Feel free to comment as I follow this path to wellness. I'll succeed and I'll fail, but I will continue forward. Join me if you like.